The Little Christmas Lamb

While this month has not been the greatest for us, we have made it through by the grace of God and the help of others.  We are so very blessed to have such loving family, friends, and even mechanic!
This Christmas has been a gift in itself, one that I do not think any physical present could have ever brought me.  I find myself reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas this year and less about the stress of the holidays or trying to find that perfect present to give. When I was very young, around 4 or 5, my parents purchased me a "book on tape" type thing that I played over and over well into my early teens, it was called The Little Christmas Lamb.  I can still remember the voices of the characters perfectly in my mind, and the story when I think of it still clinches me right in the gut.  I will not spoil the story in case you are able to find the audio and hear it for yourself, but it is something that has always stuck with me and too quickly I had allowed myself to forget and push it to the side in my adult age.  I have that "audio" memory of the Little Christmas Lamb playing over and over again in my mind this month and it brings me a sense of comfort.
What a great feeling to know that no matter how far we fall or how low we may feel, God is always there to help us along and understands our burdens, sadness, struggles, and desires best because He created them all.
With this year coming to an end and the New Year ringing in, we are focusing on God's love and continuing to build our faith and trust in Him.  Merry Christmas to all!

Painting Our Own Silver Lining

These past days leading up to the end of the year have been the most trying times of this year for us. From our pregnancy loss to unnecessary car problems, the troubles just seem to pile up higher and higher.  Prayers have changed from tear filled blubber to pleading for help ... SOS to Heaven.  While we have not found ourselves waking up to riches in the literal form such as winning the lottery or our money tree finally sprouting the thousand dollar bills, we have found a sense of peace and creating our own silver lining to our current circumstances.    

Each day this week I have been without a car, while that seems petty it really is not when considering that my 10 hour a day job is a nice 30 minute drive from our home.  Matt has been a super trooper hauling me to and from work daily, which is quite a shake up to his daily routine and not to mention a trek outside of his every day route.  Within this crazy headache we have found a simple bliss in the time we are getting to spend together.  Our morning bugle blares a good hour before our normal wake up call, yet we are enjoying that time spending it with each other.  Breakfast together and the 30 minute drive to work helps to set a delightful tone to the day, and the drive home is a much needed rescue from the daily stresses of my job by my Knight in Shining Nissan Frontier. 

The joy and small delights in our time together are what I have decided to focus on in the wake of all this uncontrollable series of misfortunes.  It is better to trust and take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in man. (Psalm 118:8)  I am most thankful that I have the loving arms of my husband in which to be held while trusting and taking refuge in God.

...We thank you God for all of our many blessings that daily we take for granted and ask that you continue to bless and keep us safe and in good health.  -Amen

The "Why", "What Now", and "Why Me" of it all

Serendipity: to look for something great but finding something else, and realizing that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.

I believe in God and that all things come to pass through, by, and for Him.  I will note that right now Him and I are not seeing "eye to eye" in regard to the latest incidents in my life, but to lose faith and trust that I have in Him at this point in time I think would be more of a tragedy than the loss of a pregnancy. I can not begin to tell you how many times in the past 3 weeks that I have prayed, probably more than I have in the past 5 years.  Thats not to say that I had not been praying often, but rather to show just how many prayers I have been sending for my child.  The past few days have turned from prayers of thanks to more of ballads of unending anger.  Yes, I have been talking to God in an angry manner. Why? God made all of us in His image, that includes our emotions .. for anyone who has read the Bible its clear that God has many emotions, so why would I hide my anger from the one person who sees through it all and would understand it best? So yes, I have been angry in my tear filled prayers.  

It seems silly to imagine that my angry prayers of demanding for a reason "why" an answer to "what now" and a cry of "why me" would ever be answered, but amazingly enough I feel that I am getting a response.  I am no longer seeing this as an end, but rather a new beginning.. I know that sounds typical, but I really do feel as if its a new beginning.  The best way I know to describe this feeling right now is to say that its like being put on hold listening to elevator music as I am waiting for the next representative to be with me "shortly".  I have a calm feeling that my time for some joy and happiness is coming up here soon, and this is what I have decided to believe and focus on, trusting in God to see it through.

All that being said .. In trying to get through this I asked Matt if he thought we should name the child, he agreed, but only if I thought it would help. While my name choice is not very poetic, nor is it very practical or religious, I feel that it fits and has great meaning. I surmise that in all of my prayers and looking for the answers, I am soon going to be finding something amazing and exactly what is right for us, maybe not what I had originally been looking for .. Serendipity is the name that I have chosen for our little angel. May God continue to bless and keep you safe in His loving arms.

....A New

Its funny how things work some times.  I started this blog a few weeks ago after finding out that I was pregnant with our first child. I had an unbelievable happiness that I wanted to share with the whole world, well with family and friends at the very least.  I picked out the title thinking it was clever and very fitting given what a crazy journey Matt and I have traveled thus far in our ten years together. Looking back at it we both are amazed at the winding series of unfortunate events that have lead us to the place we are now, the place that we both feel we are meant to be. I say this now, just days after finding out we have lost the child that had filled our hearts with so much joy.

I have not decided to move forward with this blog for it to be a memorial or as a place of sadness, but rather a place for me to chart and journal all that will be and has been going on.  It is not created for the world to see, and I doubt that many family and friends will visit and read, but rather this is for me.  I find comfort in writing, getting my thoughts out of my head and down on "paper", to me its somewhat of a "purge". 

So, with that being said here is to ..a new.