Serendipity: to look for something great but finding something else, and realizing that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.
I believe in God and that all things come to pass through, by, and for Him. I will note that right now Him and I are not seeing "eye to eye" in regard to the latest incidents in my life, but to lose faith and trust that I have in Him at this point in time I think would be more of a tragedy than the loss of a pregnancy. I can not begin to tell you how many times in the past 3 weeks that I have prayed, probably more than I have in the past 5 years. Thats not to say that I had not been praying often, but rather to show just how many prayers I have been sending for my child. The past few days have turned from prayers of thanks to more of ballads of unending anger. Yes, I have been talking to God in an angry manner. Why? God made all of us in His image, that includes our emotions .. for anyone who has read the Bible its clear that God has many emotions, so why would I hide my anger from the one person who sees through it all and would understand it best? So yes, I have been angry in my tear filled prayers.
It seems silly to imagine that my angry prayers of demanding for a reason "why" an answer to "what now" and a cry of "why me" would ever be answered, but amazingly enough I feel that I am getting a response. I am no longer seeing this as an end, but rather a new beginning.. I know that sounds typical, but I really do feel as if its a new beginning. The best way I know to describe this feeling right now is to say that its like being put on hold listening to elevator music as I am waiting for the next representative to be with me "shortly". I have a calm feeling that my time for some joy and happiness is coming up here soon, and this is what I have decided to believe and focus on, trusting in God to see it through.
All that being said .. In trying to get through this I asked Matt if he thought we should name the child, he agreed, but only if I thought it would help. While my name choice is not very poetic, nor is it very practical or religious, I feel that it fits and has great meaning. I surmise that in all of my prayers and looking for the answers, I am soon going to be finding something amazing and exactly what is right for us, maybe not what I had originally been looking for .. Serendipity is the name that I have chosen for our little angel. May God continue to bless and keep you safe in His loving arms.
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